i permit you to call me
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
