I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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