I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
