So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
