Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
