the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
