dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I love having hate sex.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
