"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
