bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
