I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
