Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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