I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
