When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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