my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Just invented taco cereal.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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