just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
