so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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