There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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