I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
