Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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