i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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