she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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