what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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