The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
