whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Every concussion has its silver lining
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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