my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
