Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
