I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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