yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
