I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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