Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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