Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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