Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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