Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
