screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
