we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize