New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
