So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
