First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
i now understand why vodka
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
