dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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