Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
