You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
