I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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