We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize