im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
FUCK WHALES
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
