Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
