theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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