it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
