I faked an abortion last night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
