I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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