You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
